A day of reflection...

The week started out like every other Monday - up at 5:30, shower, breakfast, out the door at 7:10 and in the office by 7:25. I got my things together and headed off to class. I don't have very good cell phone service in my building but when service did come back about 10:45 I had 4 voicemails. I knew I had one from my dad from the night before, but I was a little worried about the other three b/c I very rarely get voicemails, much less 3 within a one hour timeframe. I felt the rush of concern overtake me so I immediately checked them. The first one was from Cole, my high school boyfriend. We talk occasionally via Facebook, but very rarely do we talk via phone. He said something about some bad news that I might want to know about. More concern came over me as I checked the other two, both from my brothers, saying something had happened to Zack Coates, a good friend of ours from high school. I immediately called Cole back and heard the words I was dreading... "Zack died last night."


After what seemed like an eternity of silence, I ask what happened and was even more shocked to hear that he had taken his own life. What.... No way Zack would've done something like that!!

I wish I could say this was all a bad dream, but unfortunately it is not.


Rewind several years - I have known Zack since I moved to Malvern in 1993. He was in my very first class, 5th grade, and many more through the years. Junior year we become closer friends as we had several classes together. I happened to have the opposite lunch as my two best friends, Jennifer and Laura, so I always ate with the guys. Senior year we became even closer as we had classes at OTC together. Not long into our Sr. year I began dating Cole, who was one of Zack's best friends. After that, the three of us were almost always together. We had some great times together! After high school, the three of us got accepted to Arkansas Tech and packed up and moved to Russellville. We thought we had made it big time! We were hellbent on taking the world by storm!! Zack decided that college wasn't right for him so he left and went back home not long after the semester started. I must admit, that was pretty tough for Cole and I as we felt our best friend was leaving us. Zack eventually came back and things were just a little different. He began socializing with a different group of people and we drifted apart. We still saw each other, but it was almost like we didn't even know each other. I wish I could say there wasn't any hard feelings on our part, but that would be a lie. Eventually Cole and I went our seperate ways, graduated and moved away. Zack joined the Army and was gone for awhile. It wasn't until about 2 years ago that I reconnected with him through Facebook. He was married to a really nice girl and things seemed to be good for him. Since then, we have stayed in touch through Facebook.


Fast forward to Wednesday, June 17th. I made the long drive home to say my final goodbyes. I had so many emotions as I drove to the funeral home.


Sadness, anger, sympathy, numbness, why?... You name it and I probably felt it. It dawned on me that, other than a few close family members, this was probably the closest person I have known to die. I knew it would be really tough, but I didn't think it would be this tough.


I was really pleased with the preacher and I got the impression that his family wanted the people there to know that there is always another option. It was very clear to me that his parents hoped that some other life/lives might be saved by their son's tragedy. What a powerful message. The songs were beautiful and perfectly fitting. I'll never again hear "When I Get Where I'm Going" or "Angels Among Us" without thinking of Zack. As I approached the casket, I really didn't know what to expect. I stood there in awe of the massive amount of make-up on him, which I know Zack would be extremely pissed about, and couldn't help but think "Why did you have to do this?... How could things be so bad?... Why wasn't I a better friend?" So many questions that I will never have the answer to...The only comfort I got from standing there was the image of Zack saying "Get this damn make-up off of me!" The 5-6 seconds I stood there seemed like an eternity. I couldn't believe I was looking at him for the last time. I got a chance to talk to his wife, Jennifer, his brother, sister and mom at the cemetery and they were amazingly strong. It felt good to hug them and just say I'm sorry. I know it doesn't make anything better and they have heard it so much, but it gave me a sense of happiness just to let them know. It was really hard to leave. I wanted to stay there until the last bit of dirt covered the hole. I don't know why, but I just felt like I needed to see it.

The drive home felt like the longest drive ever. As much I wanted to be home, I enjoyed the time to myself. Time for reflection. Time to think. And time to pray. I thought back to all of the friends that I was once close to and how I need to reach out to them just to say "I still care about you". There are so many of them, I don't even know where to start. My plan is to sit down and reach out to each of them. Nothing fancy, just a few words to let them know that I haven't forgotten about them. It really pains me to think that it takes the death of friend for me to realize that I need to be a better friend myself. Its weird how things work out.

So here's to you Zack. You were a great friend and somebody I will never forget. I have so many wonderful memories of you and will always remember your contagious smile and chubby cheeks. Its hard for me to fathom that things were so bad for you that you chose to end it all. I saw your status change on Facebook Sunday night and laughed out loud (his status was "I wish time machines really existed"). I thought to myself I wonder how Zack and Jennifer are doing? but didn't take the time to comment on your status. Man, what I would give to have taken 10 seconds to write... I don't know if it would've made a difference, but maybe it could have. I still cannot believe you are gone. I wish I would have told you a million times that I loved you and cherished our friendship. I wish I could take back all of the things I said when I felt like you ditched Cole and I for the "cooler" friends. I "wish" so many things that I will never be able to change. As much as I hate to see you gone, I can say that this will make me a better person. I will pray that God takes care of you, as I know he will, and that maybe, just maybe, your tragedy can help save somebody else's life. I'm grateful to have known you and proud to call you my friend. So until we meet again, I love you man...